On The Hunt

Am I Angry at my Partner for Dying?

Anger is one of the stages of grief

I haven’t felt anger. I am not mad over Scott’s death.

Yesterday, I did get a tad bit irritated. At Scott.

It seems so unforgivable. From what I’ve read it’s natural in the grieving process to be upset with your partner.

Yesterday, I could feel the irritation creep up on me.

Scott, I thought. Here you are zipping around with new wings, traveling around following your dreams, and I am here, by myself, on the top of the mountain, having trouble going as far as the grocery store. I love travel too, but I am not there yet.

Another thought, came to mind. What if he is flirting up Angels. I know. The thoughts that come into our heads, we can’t control.

Scott did confide in me that he thought Drew Barrymore was adorable. So you can’t blame me for thinking Scott is up there, floating on a cloud with Charlie’s Angels lookalikes.

Reality kicks in.

I never witnessed Scott flirt or chase after women in my life with him. It wasn’t his nature to go astray, which reminds me of the time I was working at Sur La Table, the high end “chi chi” retail kitchen and culinary school I was employed at over the crazy holiday season and for several months into the summer.

It was a hot and humid summer day. I was in the aisle stocking kitchen gadgets wearing my brown apron and jeans. I turned around feeling someone behind me. It was Scott. A surprise pop up visit to my work. His visits to my work unnerved me. I always felt like I was going to get in trouble with my boss, which I never did.

That was Scott. How could I possibly be irritated with him.

Sometimes grief makes no sense, no sense at all.